Many people are living in disastrous family situations because they are truly tired of life with their spouse. It just is not working, and life after divorce is shattering for them in many ways. Ask yourself these 5 questions.
Divorce is not to be taken lightly or unadvisedly. It is a change of life.
There are many reasons people do not get a divorce, yet the marriage is clearly over. They live together under the same roof, but do not know what the other is up to at any time. They might as well be living as co-tenants in a shared apartment.
- They are afraid of what is on the other side.
- They are concerned about finances and change in their lifestyle.
- They are not sure that divorce is the best option.
- They are concerned about what people would say, including their religious leaders.
Getting a divorce is not an easy decision to make. There are financial, psychological, legal and emotional considerations to give before one takes the step. It is always good to approach a divorce with a certainty that is where you wish to go.
Looking at the grass from the other side all seem green, but its really because the neighbour waters his garden. A well-manicured garden is a lot of hard work before that result is achieved.
THE 5 QUESTIONS TO ASK
1. Are We Living As A Married Couple Or Tied Simply By A Certificate?
Desertion can be both real or constructive. Constructive desertion is the act of living with your spouse with no conjugal rights or obligations. Oftentimes the sex is no longer there and when it is, it is not to satisfy an emotional need but a physical one.
Both consider that they must be a couple for purposes of society, or in a worst-case scenario, they claim they are together for the children. The children, if truth be told, are living in a tense atmosphere.
2. Am I simply Threatening; Is It A Divorce I Want?
Couples fight, that is a fact. Some people threaten divorce when there is the slightest fight. It is shattering to one’s mind to be threatened with divorce each time there is an affray.
Each time Alex is in a fight with Regina his wife, he threatens divorce and asks for the children to take a DNA test. Many times, their fights have nothing to do with infidelity, but it seems to calm Regina and she calls a truce.
If there are issues to resolve it is always better to consult a family counsellor or divorce coach to help you. You just might need to learn how to rescue your marriage. Divorce may not be what is on the cards.
3. Have I resolved my internal conflict over getting a divorce?
Doctors, lawyers, religious leaders and even society have a hold on us. We tend to hold on to what they decree to us as if it is sacrosanct. While they may have knowledge and be grounded in relationship matters, they are not the ones who feel it.
It is always best to ask oneself what is holding them back from getting a divorce? Could it be because of a historical trauma one had? Could it be due to health reasons? There are many reasons why one feels he needs to get a divorce.
Ask yourself, what is my next best alternative to getting divorced?
4. Am I ready for the life changes inherent in divorce?
Divorce is a tearing apart of two lives. Two lives that had become one now need to be separated. There is bound to be an injury. No tearing apart is neatly done.
Preparatory to getting a divorce, a couple shared bills; electricity, rent, water and possibly others. A couple would build a savings nest together maybe to build their home. That comes to an end. Are you financially ready?
Children become the battle gear for the couple and children are bound to take besides. It is essential to prepare to tell the children in a way that does not make the partner the villain.
Loneliness is a given after divorce. Until you prepare yourself for a new relationship, there will be days of flashbacks. No matter how bad the breakup is there will be flashbacks to happier days. How emotionally ready are you?
It is okay to cry over a broken relationship. What friendships are you taking along with you? This is one time you do not need to have a lot of inner caucus friends. Some will say things that will make you cry the more. They do not mean harm. They are just not empathetic.
5. If There Is A Confident Way To Save The Marriage What Would It Be?
This question is very essential for the divorce process. This helps to narrow down the acceptance of fault on either side. While it may be a good exercise for both of you to do, it is important that you understand that ascribing all the fault to your spouse does not help you to fully survive or thrive after the divorce.
Becoming divorced without ascribing fault as appropriate locks you in an emotional and hateful spirit. When you can ascribe fault, it helps you to decide whether the marriage is worth giving another chance.
Do not get into a divorce with the attitude that he/she and not you should have done better. It always takes two to fight.
Divorce is a process that is long and hard. Long because it continues before and after the actual legal process. It is you alone who goes through the emotional and psychological trauma, so it is something that you need to be sure about before you get in.
A divorce coach is trained to help you traverse the emotional and psychological process of a marriage break-up. They would help you see things from all perspectives so that you have the assurance that you truly wish to go through the divorce route.
I am a relationship counsellor and a divorce coach. I am available for a brief chat via WhatsApp at https://bit.ly/3e0c4vc